None of these apply/applies

Working on a document for a client.  I should write “None of these applies”, because “none” refers to the singular (“no one”) which would use “applies” - as in, “The chicken applies lip balm”.  However, it’s tempting to write “None of these apply”, because this usage is increasingly present in the common vernacular, where “apply” is mistakenly understood to reference the plural “these”.

Problem is, the second one has become so common that the first one is beginning to seem odd.  Twenty years from now the formal rules will be rewritten to support the evolution of our language, but for now it’s a crap shoot.

I’m going with “apply”.